Something positive that has happened to me throughout this ordeal is the thought that “some things in my life are not for others to understand”. This premise has led me to look at things differently than I used to. It has certainly helped me to maintain a level of objectivity towards others in a new way. Aside from maybe my very young adult years, where I thought I had it all figured out, I have always felt that I was somewhat objective towards others. Although, looking back I realize now that I was a bit of a hypocrite. There are times now that I still find myself being hypocritical toward others. Through these past few years, I have definitely grown in this respect. However, as I said, there are still times that I struggle with being objective.

If I am being honest, there are a lot of times that I want vengeance!! Will I ever get it? I may not. If I don’t get some type of retribution, it certainly won’t be for lack of effort on my part. I have never looked at myself as trying to be some kind of martyr, but I truly believe what I said in my original post that weak men in positions of power will continue to use their positions to oppress those that oppose them. This concept or thought has been a primary driving factor of my thinking for the past several years. A concept that sometimes causes an internal conflict.  “Am I making this all about me? Some may see me as being hypocritical with all of this. Others may believe that I deserve what I have been through. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Keep in mind, at this point this ridiculous oppression has been ongoing for 6-7 years in some form. There are likely people that have been accused of a crime, tried, convicted, sentenced and since released in that same period of time. 

I am trying to find ways to stay positive while I am going through this. Mornings are definitely easier. There are times when I go to bed so angry that I could bite a nail in two, and almost always wake up without a care in the world. Looking forward to the day. Chances are that some would look at my life and wonder what in the hell I am looking forward to? Maybe I am a bit of an eternal optimist. What is interesting to me is that during the last few years my relationship with God has become distant at best. You would think that I would have become stronger in my faith through all of this, but that has not been my case. Maybe my “eternal optimism” is really God’s optimism in me. Waking up with a renewed optimism, while having been extremely angry just hours before, is answered prayer that I didn’t pray or ask for. This footprints in the sand poem comes to mind. https://www.onlythebible.com/Poems/Footprints-in-the-Sand-Poem.html

I have never been the type of person to preach to others about God. Some may believe that as Christians this is something we are supposed to do. I believe the best way to show others God’s light is through my actions. In this respect, I have a lot of work to do. I have also very recently started to work on strengthening my relationship with God. I have a lot of work to do here as well. 

Regardless of your beliefs, or what you may think of me personally, I genuinely hope that anyone this blog reaches can take something positive from my ramblings.